Five weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and became a mother to two children. I am now officially in my “mom era”. It’s a privilege to be able to have unlimited time and attention for my kids like this and to be loved so unconditionally and innocently by them. It’s been life affirming and magical while also being exhausting and endless, all at the same time.
Someone recently asked me what this transition has been like, so here’s an attempt to articulate some themes:
Living in the present, living in mundanity
Caring for young kids force you to live in the present. I go from one task to the other and ping-pong between two kids’ needs: feeding/eating, pooping, sleeping, playing, admin chores relating to the above tasks… there’s always something to do and someone to take care of. Before I know it, another day has gone whizzing past although the specific moments within the day do seem to stretch out at times (think: the endless rocking during the witching hour). When I reflect on what I did today, the answer is pretty monotonous everyday — “I took care of the kids”. It’s beautiful to stay in the present and just focus on the task at hand and enjoy it – but it also feels like I am not doing anything noteworthy because there isn’t one crowning accomplishment in a given day.
Nostalgia for the moment while it’s happening
I feel like there might be some quaint German/ Japanese word to describe this feeling. 🙂 Having the benefit of experience, I know that babies grow up fast and that this moment is fleeting. I am not going to get this back again. This knowledge has helped me enjoy the newborn phase in it’s entirety much more than before. I am revelling in the joys of cuddling the baby even as I groan getting out of bed at 3 am for a midnight feed.
More equanimity in day-to-day decision making
As a new mother, every single perceived aberration was cause for concern, resulting in endless googling (“8 day old spit up how much is normal”), panicked discussions at night and meltdowns. New parenthood is truly a rollercoaster with the highest highs and lowest lows. The 2nd time around, we are much more chill about both ends of the spectrum and that has made for much saner decision-making at home. I still google weird questions and have meltdowns on a near-daily basis but I also know to recognise when I step into crazy territory and save myself from spiralling much faster than before. (I hope I didn’t jinx it by saying this 🤞)
Learning to be there for my firstborn without letting the mom guilt consume me
This has been one of the hardest lessons of all in this period. The older one has been well prepared for the transition for a long time, but I still need to come to terms with my own need to be there for her in exactly the ways I used to, vs the actual reality of being both time strapped and physically unable to match her energy. I haven’t been able to lift her up, give her a bath or do the bedtime routine with her and I’ve been feeling pretty bad about it. I have tried to replace these activities with others that I am able to do but it doesn’t feel the same; our relationship does feel a bit altered. I remind myself that she is still extremely well cared for by her dad and grandparents and that this is temporary. Still, I’d like to work on getting to spend more special 1–1 time with her more consistently. My own physical recovery postpartum is sure to help with accelerating this.
Non-mom parts of my identity: where are you?
With the mom part of my identity peaking, other aspects of my life seem much more distant. I’ve been surprised how easy it has been to disconnect from my old life. I miss it though, and I am slowly getting back to some of the things that make me feel like my own person, starting from small things like listening to the news everyday, going for walks on my own, etc, to bigger things like setting goals for myself to tackle every week.
That’s it for now. Onwards to month 2 🙂
Shweta Padmanaban 